(no subject)

Jun. 22nd, 2017 03:08 pm
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
 Interesting thing, I guess: my brain is so hyperfocused on getting married and people being in love rn because EVERYONE I KNOW is basically getting married, if they're twenty five or older. And I'm about to hit twenty five.

I'm gonna officially be a statistical outlier for my peer group, and for all that I'm soundly disinclined, my desire to conform and mesh into a group at all times is.. apparently not cool with that. C'MON, BRAIN, I DON'T NEED TO BE EXTRA ABOUT BEING PERFECTLY NORMAL AT *ALL* TIMES.

(no subject)

Jun. 22nd, 2017 08:40 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
 Also part of the dream: an extended debate on when you know that you should marry someone, and if it can happen immediately after meeting them, and if not, when should it happen, ect ect ect ---

Like, n, brain, chill. We are doing NOT DYING (down from 119lb at doctors office to 113lb at home again, because I guess my body is an asshole), and on making money, not relationships or dating, both of which run directly counter to MAKING MONEY. >:(

(no subject)

Jun. 22nd, 2017 07:17 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
1) Frequently, I'm just like "I HAVE ENOUGH CHILDREN, GTFO" about strangers coming into my inbox, especially if they're from tumblr. Like, the age does not actually MATTER, what matters is the fact they're overly anxious, grown-ass adults who have to suck it up and act like an adult offline, so online, they lean into being ~*frail*~ and ~*anxious*~. Like, nnnnnnnnnno. My quota of "people I will coddle" is thoroughly full, pls fuck off.

.. I say, coddling them anyway. Fuck my entire life. People keep latching onto me, and then I feel bad about prying them off like barnacles after a month or so.

2) First major modding issue in my roleplay chat came down to someone feeling that another player overstepped their boundaries, but had not felt comfortable in the moment of saying so, and now they+their friend were.. vaguely jealous of all the attention Player1 was getting. The entire conversation was on-going emphasis of "guys, you have to communicate 1) your character ideas, 2) what you want from a roleplay, and 3) WITH US, because we can solve it in the moment, but it gets much more difficult if you're feeling bad afterwards and you don't want to retcon it, y'know?" My co-mod is a modern marvel, LET IT BE SAID.

3) Was up from 2:50-3:30AM trying not to puke, and mostly not succeeding. It's a little frustrating, haha. Also frustrating: I flaked out on calling this fucking Cleveland Clinic like, two days in a row, so now I've got to see if they've got an appointment next week for their endoscopy. They said they don't trust my metabolism, especially given my history of pain-killers not working, so they're flat-out knocking me out for the procedure.

I hope they do? I feel like a huge fuck-up for not calling earlier, but - hell-week all of Thursday, where I was getting off work after they closed, Tuesday I forgot bc desperately trying to play catch-up with my cases, and on Wednesday, I worked through lunch and was in a furor to get to work on time. I mean, that's all fucking excuses, but. :[

4) Weird dreams about marrying a friend, in between sections of a deeply fucked up psychological horror involving long-term gaslighting of a kid in post-nuclear USA. Brain, pls.

(no subject)

Jun. 22nd, 2017 03:11 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
 Who needs organs?

Also known as "it's 3AM, and guess who's awake vomiting".

des trucs à Paris en juillet

Jun. 21st, 2017 08:41 pm
malurette: (adorkable)
[personal profile] malurette
Je crois que cette année encore, je n'aurai pas le courage d'aller à Japan Expo. Ou peut-être que j'irai à côté... qui est motivé pour ça ?

En revanche, j'ai bien envie de me faire la Nuit Lastman au ciné de plein air la Villette le 22 juillet. Est-ce que ça intéresse du monde ?

(no subject)

Jun. 21st, 2017 09:30 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
Couple of things! 
> Sister got me a fitbit. I am allergic to something in the paint for it, if not the silicone itself: I wore it for a day and now I have eczema,  and also a line across my wrist. I've just switched wrists for now, haha.
> I've been thinking about the Cass thing and discussing it very slowly with both offline friends, and C/B, and.. hm. 
It's just uncomfortable for a lot of reasons. Part of it is, like.. I think being upset about the way that people view your characters is silly. But Pheres is one of my unambiguously ethnic characters, which is a choice I made deliberately - every feature that could read as non-white, I made non-white. So when other characters - played by white players - consistently say things like his natural hair texture makes him look stupid, it is actually really aggravating.
And when one person consistently has her characters pick on that trait - along with the rest of his appearance, mind, but highlighting his hair especially - it makes me want to, friend or not, be a huge asshole in response.
And then, when you add that into the fact she's constantly putting down the character, it feels.. awfully racialised? She has all of her characters treat him as incompetent, malicious and childish. She mocks the biggest indicator of ethnicity (curly hair). She treats him, ooc, as perpetually unreasonable, and all together, I've just started getting a sinking feeling every time she has her characters interact with him or his sister, because while he gets treated like an idiot that needs to be put into his place, she just flat out has her characters dislike or ignore the sister.
Which, uh, isn't better.
Especially when all of her attention is focused on the two characters who DID "put him in his place", and are explicitly both Euroamerican culturally. And one of whom explicitly behaved hideously abusively, and the other whom just was a dick who took advantage of a teenager, and.. she's turned the first thing into a joke? One that has left my character highly aggro about hers, but also, like...
IDK, it bothers me that people are aware ooc, but there's no way for it to ever come up IC without sabotaging Maecii's CR thoroughly. Or making sure that I don't.. want any of my characters ever interacting with them again, haha.
Because "she is repeatedly throwing my dead romantic partners name and barbs about him to my face at me, for no reason, after he TRIED TO KILL ME. She has threatened me.  She's broken into my fucking house, and all I ever did was offer to share my clothes and say we should go shopping, because we're both goths" is not something that strikes me as an upsetting chain of events, OOC, but the idea that it's something that would happen and my character gets punished ic for being a fucking victim is 1)seriously not something I ever want to play, and 2) actually kind of fucking distressing, on every level, considering that I'm not at all certain this is not some discomforting expression of racism with the purpose of putting a non-white dude in his place. Not that I think Cass would ever think of it that way, but this is terrifyingly coming close to that in actual play, and...
Like, okay, my city is hella racist. The USA is hella racist. I already have to worry about someone deciding I'm being uppity IRL and taking offense, or going to the wrong part of town at the wrong time, or one of our resident neo nazis deciding to make a point about race mixing, or getting pulled over by a cop and fucking shot. I've been trying to downplay this, but it's moved past "I am being silly" and onto "I don't care if I'm being silly, when the idea of your friend paying attention to your character makes you feel stressed, this is the point to disconnect those plots".
So! That's what I'm doing. Part of me is like "talk this through", but I have tried and I have tried, and there is absolutely nothing that I like less then having to bring up race to white people. And I've asked, and I've pried about wtf every single characters issue is with mine, and I've never gotten a straight answer, so. No.
(Two year long ship that I love down the drain. I'm so pissed, but she doesn't even like rping that character, so. It'll work out for the best, I guess.)

[film] Wonder Woman

Jun. 19th, 2017 10:09 pm
malurette: (batman)
[personal profile] malurette
Titre : Wonder Woman
Réalisation :
Langue : principalement anglais et des bouts d'autres langues
Traduction : id
Type : film live
Genre : action/guerre/super héros

1ère sortie : printemps 2017
Durée : 140 minutes ?
Title: Wonder Woman
Language: mainly English
Type: live action movie
Genre: action/war/superheroes

1st release: 2017
Length: 140 minutes?

Read more... )

Conclusion : Personnellement j’aurais pu faire sans la partie romance du tout, mais heureusement, elle n’encombrait pas trop les choses. Je ne suis pas fan non plus des détails de l’origine de Diana dans cette version, mais tant pis. Et ça m’agace un peu que les Amazones restent sur leur île et que Diana soit une seule fille dans une équipe masculine… tant pis encore, elle reste le personnage central, elle poutre tout, la façon dont elle est tellement efficace et dont elle grandit encore en tant que personne vont fichtrement plaisir à voir et zut, je décide que ça compense tous les défauts que ça pouvait avoir à côté.
J’ai passé un super bon moment et j’espère bien que ce film aura beaucoup de succès !!
In short: OK, so I didn’t like much the romance aspect but it didn’t get too much in the way so I can deal with it. I can’t decide wether the diverse cast is a good thing or too full of clichés and I don’t like that’s it’s predominantly masculine, but whatever. Diana is still the main character, she’s capable and awesome in so many ways and her growth as a person is fascinating. In the end, I’ll say that the awesomeness outweights the flaws, I had a great time watching this movie and I really really hope it does well in the box office!

(no subject)

Jun. 19th, 2017 03:31 pm
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
 I hate when the pain spikes to the point of it just being an endless loop of static in my head. I'm freezing, I feel like crying when people even look at me, and I've taken four ibuprofen so far and.. I'm walking! So plus! And I'm not actually curled up at my desk even though I really, really, really fucking want to.

But I want it to work more. This is miserable and I'm miserable and I can't even distract myself, because give it tthirty seconds and everything just comes back to the fact it hurts.

Turns out the weird cysts in my liver and the one on my throat and all of that all done from my mums side of the family, which is just peachy. Another thing to aggressively hate them for!

malurette: (books)
[personal profile] malurette
Titre : Wintersmith
Auteur : Terry Pratchett
Langue : anglais britannique
Traduction : L'Hiverrier
Type : roman jeunesse (série)
Genre : fantasy/aventure/quête initiatique ?

(1ère parution : 2006)
Édition : Corgi
Format : grand paperback, 395 pages

Read more... )

Conclusion : Je me méfie toujours des Tiffany Aching parce que j’ai l’impression que l’auteur en rajoutait un peu trop avec sa nouvelle chouchou, mais à chaque fois, j’arrive à me dire, ah oui OK c’est bien amené et ça contient plein d’éléments intéressants. C’était un bon livre, une fois de plus…
…mais une fois plus, je me dis qu’Agnes Nitt me manque et je me demande ce que devient Magrat dans son château.

In short: With Tiffany Aching I’m always torn between yay more Discword books, but I don’t like her and how she became a Creator’s Pet and had freaking Granny Weatherwaw bow to her on their first meeting, and, actually she’s not that bad. I was very wary of the hey, the Spirit of Winter falls in love with our pluck heroine! Premise, but since it had some kinf of justification I…was OK with it. I’m impressed with Rolands growth, too, even if I’m really, really not fond of the romance hints, eurgh.
A good book, but I still miss Agnes Nitt and Magrat.

(no subject)

Jun. 15th, 2017 10:08 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
Also: slightly frustrated, but it feels unfair to be so, because...

People want to hang out while I'm in Cleveland on these doctor visits. That's fine, arguably, but I don't like hanging out with people for longer than thirty minutes to an hour. My energy for physical interaction isn't like, hella limited, but it is when I spend forty+ hours a week playing nice and having to socialise for work. I don't want to spend my down-time in interactions I can't just, like, turn off the fucking screen and ignore for a few hours when I get tired of them.

But everyone wants to hang out, and my attempts to go "hey, guys, I'm tired, I'm really not up for long visits --" just results in them.. trying to cut it down to, like, 90M - 2HR lunches instead of three. Like, they're obviously trying, but when I want it to be thirty minutes and then they're gone, it's just grating as hell.

I am also trying! I did my 90M lunch, I smiled and chatted and talked, it's not a big deal. I just wish I didn't have to. It's.. I like seeing people, and catching up, but I just rapidly hit the point where it transitions from "pleasant" to "work", and I know people find it hurtful that it switches like that for me so quickly, whereas they're still having fun and finding it 110% pleasant bonding for hours after I am completely done.

(no subject)

Jun. 15th, 2017 09:51 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
Aggressive bouncing. The worst part about being in the cage is that it turns my job from "I can come in, do it, leave, it's fine" to "I am actively dreading this with every inch of my being and I wish I could skip", haha.

Oh well. Three more days, then I'll be back in my office for a bit, thank fuck.

(no subject)

Jun. 14th, 2017 06:11 pm
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
I really, really, absolutely have to start keeping better records of everything, and I don't know how to do it in a way that doesn't set my OCD off. It's unfortunate, but I have to figure it out: it's never been an option to ignore it, but I've been trying to, and that's a fuck-up on my part. An important part of being a responsible adult is figuring out how the fuck to do this.

So, I've been eyeing up alternative means of tracking and I think I've puzzled some out? We'll see how it works.

Doctor appointment came and went. They want to re-do the tests from last year for my gastric emptying and the endoscopy, because evidently, what I told the doctor sounded like gastritis was gastritis, and.. taking ibuprofen daily for the resulting twelve months likely hasn't done anything to help? He said that I might have ripped lining in my stomach, going by some of the symptoms, but he's largely mystified.

Everyone is always mystified. I was seen by the resident first, then the main doctor who I scheduled with, and then his colleague in turn, and.. apparently there has to be something wrong with my reflex, because I ate breakfast at 8AM, and he asked if there was food in the back of my throat at 10AM, when they finally got me into the room, and got very startled when I said yes, there pretty much always is. But I don't know. They want to put me on steroids, and they want me to quit taking ibuprofen, and I'm just.. sort of stressed out in general by this.

Because I've been trying to get this resolved, but the thing about it is, if I'm honest: I haven't been trying as hard as I can? It takes so much energy! It makes me want to fucking cry whenever I think about this too much, because I can't ever manage to shake the feeling that I'm just.. portraying what is just a glorified eating disorder as an actual disease. I know this is not the case. logically speaking: I'm not batshit, every test result that's come back says that I'm not batshit, it's just.. really, really fucking hard for me to lose this constant hum in the back of my head, reminding me that I could be batshit, and that I could be making all of this up, and.. it's silly, honestly, and writing about it only supplies validation that it does not deserve to have.

But, but, but. My own mental hang-ups are not a reason not to do better, and the burden always falls on my sister to pick up my slack when I'm not. The only reason I'm even back at the doctor again is because she got tired of me crying 24/7 over being in pain, because I was pretty much just like "THIS IS MY LOT IN LIFE, THIS IS NORMAL, THIS IS ALL IN MY HEAD". And it's really, really, really not fair to her to, like.. let her carry my slack? She says she's fine with it, but the thing about it is that I'm not.

Being in pain is not an excuse not to do things. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things. This is less an instance of "I am incapable of doing it" and more "I do not want to do it", but part of being an adult is acknowledging that you don't want to do it, and then fucking doing it anyway. It is always very distressing to realise that I have been behaving immaturely in some fashion or another, but you can never improve if you don't address your flaws.

So: trying to figure out a way to keep better records. Trying to figure out a way not to go completely batshit. Trying to keep better track of shit ta work. Trying, trying, trying, and hopefully we're going to start seeing more results.

(no subject)

Jun. 12th, 2017 10:42 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
I love the bizarre anomalies of weight. Which is that I've abruptly gained six pounds, and am now at 117lbs, aka the highest I've been in a couple of months. Despite basically not eating all week.

My sister's like WATER WEIGHT, but I'm getting slightly anxious that I'm going to walk in to this consultation, and this doctor is gong to pull the usual bullshit after I drive literally across the state to see him, miss work, and fuck up my entire schedule. Because I'm back at borderline underweight, according to the scale, not actually underweight, despite the fact nothing I own fucking fits anymore.

But that's worries for Wednesday, I guess

I'm always pleasantly surprised when people actually show signs that they are thinking of me, I guess? I'm still warmly chuffed over T bringing me fudge, haha, and apparently mutua acquaintances have been asking how I've been feeling / how things are going, and that's really nice. I guess it's weird that I find this endearing - it's really basic normal stuff. It's just being nice or being concerned because there's no reason not to be, but IDK, incidental kindness is my jam.

It's nice to know people are thinking of me, but it's also nice to remember that people are habitually kind, I suppose!

(no subject)

Jun. 11th, 2017 02:41 am
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
Bought a mini-fridge to either keep in my room, to keep my lunches in b/c there's NEVER ROOM FOR MY STUFF in the main fridge, or my office. Not sure yet! We'll see.

I'm.. really, really hoping that if I keep food actually just by me 24/7, I'll eat it? We'll see. I am flouncing angrily at every possible solution, and one has got to work out eventually in my favour.

(no subject)

Jun. 9th, 2017 11:16 pm
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
On one hand, I appreciate that this dude wants to go through the effort of trying to check in on me. Like, aw, bb, you're a sweetheart and I only wish the best of things for you in life. But: n. Nnnnnnnnn.

On the other hand: 400 fucking calories today and I can't keep any food down, so I'm like. 1200 calories shorter than I'm supposed to be! So I guess his concern is fucking warranted.

Hggnn. orz

(no subject)

Jun. 9th, 2017 03:17 pm
hera: chel holdin' apple (Default)
[personal profile] hera
So, first time my symptoms got actually fucking unbearable for awhile, I just.. slept. Like, I was spending six hours awake a day, at that, until things got less excessively miserable, because I adjusted and figured out how to cope in limited bursts.

I can't do that now, which I think is.. not helping? IDK. I am okay mentally, as a whole: I am just staying in this high key state of physical discomfort and brain fog that it's making me just high key perpetually miserable emotionally, haha.


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